Diclaimer: I had Bipolar disorder before Subud. In fact, I found Subud because of my Bipolar. Please do not think Subud or the latihan are responsible for what you read below.
I remember at the height of the dot com boom I was in Santa Monica and there was a guy giving away 100 dollar bills--he even gave someone his brand new Bentley. At the time it was really an amazing thing to see, but now as someone with bipolar I clearly recognize he was manic. When I'm manic I do similar things; once I gave my whole bank account away, and another time I was throwing fistfuls of rupiah out the window of a taxi.
There's a curious thing about me though: when I'm manic I'm actually in a very heightened spiritual state so money has literally zero hold over me, and when I'm in that state and am willing to give everything I have, God blesses me with miracles by providing more money to me.
Such as my most recent episode in 2015, I was praying over a bucket of water so Allah might bless it, and all of a sudden money started floating up from the bottom--physical money that I also ended up giving away.
One time in 2008 I was trying to give my debit card away and Allah kept making more debit cards in my wallet; every time I pulled one out, I would feel my hand guided back to my wallet and there would be another identical debit card in its place. I pulled out 4 cards in total; the bank teller was so bewildered until I said "you're witnessing a miracle from God" and her eyes widened and she nodded with an instant kind of recognition and belief. Funnily enough I also had a single business card from the Subud center where I was opened and began pulling out multiples of those too to give to her.One time I gave every last penny away and yet I found my pocket would be replenished with more money whenever I put my hand in it.
Sounds crazy right? But as we say in Islam "la hawla wa la quwata illah Billah Allah wa huwa ala qulli shayin qadir" (there is no power nor might except with Allah and He is capable of all things").
This is only about money, but in these ecstatic spiritual states Allah has given me the power to move things without touching them (with witnesses). I've also had whatever I prayed for answered immediately, like when I prayed to God for food and two random strangers came up and offered me a sandwich and another a bag of peanuts.
I don't expect many people to believe this since they weren't there and its kind of hard to take the word of a manic depressive when he's manic, but to me and the people who saw them they were absolutely real. Also the point in sharing these experinces is not to brag or show off, but rather to glorify Allah's omnipotence and also give context to my life as a manic depressive in Subud.
Having seen such miracles I really should be more religious than I am; I've had direct proof of God's existence which most people will never have. Being in a state like that is almost exactly how it is when Neo took the red pill in the movie the Matrix and realizes everything is an illusion-- you are acutely aware that God's power encompasses all things and is governing everyone's life down to the last detail, but most people aren't even aware of it.
You see God is infinetly subtle so its very hard for people to detect His presence using their mind and intellect, but in this heightened, manic phase the veils are lifted and things aren't so subtle anymore. Angels are everywhere; in fact, once when I was in that state someone witnessed a giant angel following me; he was gobsmacked and stood there staring at me with wide eyes, then he came to me and asked if I was a priest and if I could pray for his son, before telling me what he saw.
That's the best part about being in that state, when people also have a little red pill moment and wake up and realize God is the greatest and controls all facets of life. Its a beautiful moment when someone sees a miracle for the first time and they realize there really is a God who loves them.
But there is danger to this too, and its happened almost every time I've been in this state. People see for themselves miracles that God has allowed to happen through me, or they just feel the power of God's presence, which they can feel vicariosuly through me because I am in such a heightened state.
Sometimes I don't even say or do anything and people will recognize something is different and attract themselves to me like a magnet. People I don't even know will approach me and ask me to pray for them.
In my very first episode in Australia a man even approached me out of the blue and said "come with me I've been waiting for you." He took me to his house and said "I am a follower of Satan, I've been to hell already and I can kill you in 16 different ways." His house was decorated in Church of Satan memorabilia, but I saw a photo of his two kids and I said "God still loves you, just like you love your children, and I love you too." He immediately fell to the floor crying saying "thank you thank you." This was all particulalry amazing to hear coming out of my mouth because a few months before this first episode I was an agnostic leaning towards athiest, but when I became manic its like my soul became alive.
Not only people but animals too, I've even been able to pet flies that land on me like a dog and they enjoy it without flying off. Cats too follow and gather around me when I'm ecstatic and solely focused on God, which reminds me of the hadith which said the person of faith is like a perfume seller--the creation are naturally drawn to the fragrance. I've had a man who was the spiritual patriarch and guru of a local community grovel to me as if I was his teacher.
This, however, is all a disaster waiting to happen and a huge test that I've failed almost every time its come. I'm not a saint, not even close, not even 1% of the way there, but the devil plants that seed in my heart and spiritual arrogance begins to be whispered to me, "maybe you really are a saint" "maybe God did really chose you to be a guide to the people."
I've learned the hard way this is utter nonsense, but when you are given the ability to perform miracles its so hard not to get caught up in that belief, and as soon as I start listening to those whispers, Allah lets it all come crumbling down; He takes away all the miracles and leaves me to the dark forces, to become one with the devils. I've even had a spiritually aware Subud friend see giant fangs coming out of my mouth, and I've seen many jinn while in this state; it can be truly horrorfying. When I enter this state, I start acting bizarre.
Of course Allah doesn't completely abandon me, He just wants to teach me a lesson. So normal people, with their spiritual blinders on, just see me as very insane (which I am at this point) and everyone around me comes together to help me--they get a hold of my bipolar medication and I slowly come back to sanity and back to reality, though terribly, terribly humbled because I've committed one of the worst sins in the sight of God, arrogance, and made a fool of myself in front of everyone I know.
Not only that, but Allah really puts me through the blender spiritually: I've had demons attack me and it feels like a 747 jet in my body the vibrations are so strong; Ive felt invisible forces like homing missles come at me and attach themselves to me and prevent me from even saying a coherent sentence. In that state I am in desperate need for an actual saint or person with spiritual prowess to pray for me and allow the demons to go, and usually Allah provides one (there are tons in Subud). And of course I also need my anti psychotic medication, which is truly a blessing from Allah.
I have had about 10 of these episodes. There was only one no one ever knew about and I was able to keep all the miracles hidden and eventually took my meds and it went away, but the other 9 I failed the test and Allah let me go through the blender, which was humilating, but also exactly what I needed to cure me of spiritual hubris and remind me that I'm really a nobody in the spiritual realm.
This utter shattering of the ego can be dramatic and I can weep for hours at a time in deep regret and humiliation until I hit the nadir of my sorrow. In this state Allah gives me a priceless jewel that instantly puts me into a state of sublime bliss and tranquility, and the tears of sadness transform into tears of happiness. What Allah gives at this point is a realization that not only am I not better than anyone spiritually, everyone, rather, is better than me; I am on the bottom of the ladder. Every human being I come into contact with becomes so holy and beautiful, everyone was a spiritual teacher in some way or another. The process of coming to this realization was like peeling away the layers of a rotten onion of pride and hubris until I reached that jewel at the center, which was revealed in my heart to be called "absolute humility."
A few years later I was reading a biography of some of the Naqshbandi saints and in it one of the Saint's followers was by himself in the mosque in a similar state to me; what he didn't know was the saint was hiding watching him and reading his mind, which the saints of God are able to do. As soon as the pupil had the same realization I had from the depths of his heart, that everyone was in fact better than him and he was the lowest human on the spiritual totem pole, the Shaykh recognized he was ready and conferred the Naqshbandi secret and saintship to him.
I have a feeling that the bliss of "absolute humility" is in fact the first rung of the ladder towards spiritual progression, which I've since abandoned again in negligence and heedlessness, but at least I know that's the first step; the miracles and supernatural pyrotechnics were just an elaborate ploy to help me shatter my own ego and realize the true path forward.
Even two years since my recent episode I feel uneasy going back to Wisma Subud, which was the epicenter of my crisis. Ibu Rahayu has also forbidden me from doing latihan at her house, which hurt me terribly, but in retrospect I understand and respect her decision.
I hope I don't have anymore episodes. While they are exciting and renew my faith in God, they are also terribly dangerous, not only financially but physically.
In my last episode, I had given all the miracluous money to a taxi driver. I was trying to find my Shaykh to help me because I was being attacked from all sides by the demonic forces, but in my confused state I got lost and the taxi dropped me off in an unknown part of Jakarta.
I was barefoot and only wearing a white bed sheet as I was and have always been excessively sensitive to color at this point, and had to be around certain colors for various reasons. This time was white. Black was the enemy. I was lost in a dangerous part of town carrying my bucket of water which I had prayed over.
I then saw a group of men and doused them with that water. You see at that point I was in an internal battle with the dark forces and since I was so sensitive and paranoid of demons, I mistook these men for actual demons and soaked them with that water. I had not reached absolute humility yet and so in a way I was judging them, I saw them as rough looking and wearing black and were thus demonic, when in reality they weren't demons they were human beings, God's greatest creation.
What they were to become were spiritual teachers sent by God to teach me a hard lesson. One of them said "hey!" And ran towards me to fight. I defended myself and punched him in the face. Then several dozen came and I ran. I ran into an empty taxi and tried to start it, no keys. They found me and began shaking the taxi back and forth. They dragged me out and began to beat me. As they were all beating me I was screaming out the shahada "La Illaha IllAllah Muhammadurasulullah!" (There is no one worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His messenger!), preparing myself to die, when someone said "stop stop he's a muslim!" and saved my life. He fought them off himself and locked me in a parking attendant booth. I think if I hadn't said the shahada they might have burned me alive, which is a monthly occurence in Indonesia since mob violence is a scourge here.
But alas Allah saved me from this. The bloody nose and black eye were in fact the spiritual death blow to my enormous ego which had hijacked what was initially a powerful and pure connection with God.
The police came and took me to the station. At this point I had reached absolute humility and so saw everyone as above me. In fact the more ugly someone was to me, the higher I saw them. The deformed man sweeping the police station must have been the head saint. Thankfully the police knew I needed help and wasn't a criminal, and when they asked me where I was living I said Wisma Subud.
When they took me there I began having visions; I saw my reflection in a mirror and saw my heavenly self more handsome than you can imagine. When they took me to Wisma Subud there were about 6 people waiting for me there. But to my hallucinatory eyes the people waiting for me were all badly deformed, one lady was missing a leg. But remember I had entered the land of opposites, the fact I was handsome showed my low status; These Subud members being so badly deformed rather showed to me their high spiritual status, and I knew I was in good hands.
They gave me a black jacket and black clothes, which before I was so afraid of as a color because I thought it represented evil, I knew was the right color for me; in the Naqshbandi sufi teaching black is the final color, it represents complete annihilation in Allah.
The Subud members there took very good care of me. Sometimes you see videos on facebook of a stray dog with no hair on the brink of death and a good samaritan nurses them back to health--they were like this for me. They got a hold of my mother and she came with my anti psychotics, brought me back to America, and allowed me to recover there. Like with all manic episodes what followed was a year long depression where I would often find myself spending large amounts of time sitting in a dark closet. But bit by bit I came back to being regular Jonathan, moved back to Indoesia to pursue my art, and am living a happy life.The point of this article is so others may gain the lessons that I had such a hard time learning myself. Its not important whether the miracles I saw were real or delusions, what was important is I failed the test given to me and let spiritual arrogance into my heart, and thus lost all of the pure and holy connection with God. Because Subud is such a hierarchial structure, with helpers, national helpers, international helpers, and on top Bapak's family, I feel we don't talk enough about the dangers of this disease of the heart.
The lesson I learned is even if the most wicked person is before you, if you have the belief in your heart "I am spiritually higher than them" you've made a grave error because only God knows the maqams (spiritual levels) of His creation, and as a punishment your own spiritual progress can be stunted, or you can even go backwards like me.
I hope this article can give some understanding to those who have seen me like this, or, God forbid, see me like this in the future. And to all those who have helped me when I was like this, you know who you are, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. And for those whom I hurt while I was acting psychotic and bizarre, please forgive me
